Goldilocks, the bear burgler
by ani quinter
Summary: This has always been one of my favorite stories. In the past because it was scary, and now because there is just so much wronge with it. With this story i went with the politically incorrectness, and ran with it. Have fun, R&R, don't get mad, just laugh.


Once upon a time there was this cute little blond haired girl. She had the face of an angel, and the personality of the devil. Her name was Goldilocks. Her favorite pastime was breaking into houses. In today's case she was taking a stroll around the forest and happened upon a nice little cottage. She decided that it had been a long time since her last break in, and that this was the perfect opportunity.  
  
Taking out her handy dandy lock pick set, she went up to the door. She started to pick the lock when she noticed that the door wasn't locked at all. With a grin, she thought to herself that this was even more perfect than she thought. These people were begging to be broken into. Her first order of business was to make this look good. She left the door wide open, and started to tear the place up. All this activity made her really tired so she went to the fireplace where there was a row of chairs. She sat in the first one and remarked to herself at how big and hard it was. She then sat in the second chair and thought to herself how it was way too soft. She then sat in the third one, and it was just right... if she hadn't gained all that weight over the summer that is. She was just regretting all the ho-hoe's she ate as the chair collapsed under her.  
  
Goldilocks decided rest time was over and continued to trash the house. She made a brilliant discovery when she got into the kitchen. On the table was a beautiful plate of special brownies. The family who lived there must have gone out for a walk so the brownies could cool down before eating them. Goldilocks was loving this house more and more. She ate like three of the brownies right then and there, and took the rest with her on her explorations of the upstairs.  
  
The only thing that she could find upstairs was the bedroom. No, you did not read wrong, there is only one bedroom for some strange reason. Another strange thing is that mama papa don't sleep in the same bed. How in this case they ever had the kid, I have no idea, nor do I think I want to know. Goldilocks went to the first bed with her brownies and tried to jump on the bed. It was too hard and she was starting to feel a little weird. She lazily went to the next bed and tried to jump on that one. It didn't work out to well. As soon as she got on to the bed she was stuck. The mattress was way too soft. On the third bed she found it was perfect for jumping, but in her daze from the brownies she misjudged her bounce and smashed her head on the headboard. Goldilocks lay on the bed giggling for a while until she passed out.  
  
A few hours later the family came home. This family was a special family, just as special as the brownies. They were Jamaican bears. The mama and papa were born and raised in a Jamaican zoo, and the baby bear was born and raised here at the cottage. Papa bear was a big bear, a nice set of dreads on him, and a perpetual grin on his face. Mama was a short stout little bear, who really ruled the den. Baby bear was just slow... I have no idea why... unless it was the brownies. When Mama bear saw the house she roared in anger. When Papa bear saw that the brownies were gone he roared in anger. When baby bear saw the remains of his chair he giggled. As soon as his mama smacked him upside the head though, he too roared in anger. Finally the family came to their bedroom. Papa bear didn't notice anything wrong with his bed, neither did mama. It took Baby bear a long time to figure out what was wrong with his bed. He looked at the sheets; they were messy as usual. He looked at the headboard. Dented from smashing his head on it, as usual. Then he noticed there was a little blond fat girl in his bed surrounded by brownie crumbs. His first thought was 'damn man, no wonder this kid is fat', his next thought was to show his parents the kid in his bed.  
  
Goldilocks woke up to find three very scary looking bears staring at her. She had a sinking feeling in her gut telling her that the house she loved no longer looked so good, and that she was going to die if she didn't leave the house now. So she jumped out of the second floor window, letting her fat cushion her fall, and ran as fast as she could away from the house.  
  
The three bears just stared after her. Papa thought how silly the girl was not to use the stairs, and how he had to fix the window now. Mama bear though how she would love to put that girl on a diet, and how the girl was so rude not to thank them for their hospitality. Baby bear had no thoughts... he just stared. 


End file.
